Feeding Your Cat - A Humorous Tale

As little kittens, those new pets may seem fairly easy to please. food dish
They play hard, they eat anything, and they sleep. Sometimes all at once.





However, as your cat grows older (usually about one week after you bring it home), its tastes will probably change. That twenty-pound bag of food that the pet store recommended because that’s what all kittens love will work great as a door stop, a weight to hold the lid on Christmas decorations so the cat can’t get back inside the box, and eventually, as food for other cats who will be drawn to your back doorstep out of curiosity because your cat lured them over.


cat with remote

Some cats will eat darned near anything. Be especially careful of your adult beverages around these cats. And they will hide your tv remote.
 

You should probably feed your cat twice a day, morning and evening, unless it has a weight problem. If that is the case, you’ll probably find the cat eating  whenever it darned well pleases, and whatever is available. Good luck. You should eat out often and don’t bring home leftovers. Or groceries.


Following is a suggested feeding plan for your cat.

Day One

Breakfast: Human: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more .75 per can -- and place gently on your cat’s new designer plate on special place mat under the table.
Cat: Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Paw the rest onto the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Cat’s choice, human is at work. Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house

Dinner: Human: Pour a small bowl of dry organic highly nutritious food into a clean ceramic bowl.
Cat: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave rest to die. If possible, bury under the high quality kibble still in the bowl.

Bedtime snack: Cat’s choice. Steal one green bean from the human’s dinner plate and save until prime moment of human’s favorite television program. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Human will be admiring cat’s finesse while key points of the program’s plot take place. Optional: Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa until human sits down to watch tv.
Human: Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

Day Two

Breakfast: Human: sift through gourmet dry kibble and pick out bug pieces with fingers, rearrange as though it is fresh food.
Cat: Find the remaining chicken bite from the sofa cushions. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as human tries to read it. Dip paw in beverage of choice.

Lunch: Cat’s choice, human is at pet store buying new toys on lunch hour. Break into the fresh French bread that human bought for dinner party. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Human: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well.
Cat: Eat it voraciously. Walk from kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

Day Three

Breakfast: Human: Do whatever you want, the cat won’t eat it.
Cat: Drink part of the milk from your human’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Wash paw in milk, walk across clean kitchen floor.

Lunch: (Human is consulting with pet therapist on lunch hour.)
Cat: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of human’s down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else. Human can continue this exercise later as you nap.

Dinner: Human: Open cat of expensive gourmet formula canned food for sensitive stomach.
Cat: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps, and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
Mouse: Enjoy the canned food while cat and human cuddle in front of tv set.

Day Four

Breakfast: Human: Read label on new bag of dry cat food, put back on shelf and pour cat a bowl of Cheerios.
Cat: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all the water up on your human’s pillow as a peace offering.

Lunch: (Human won’t come home at lunch any more.)
Cat: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers the human placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew on it in a corner and then abandon. Corner should preferably be behind a chair or sofa.

Dinner: Human: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy.
Cat: Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard. Lick human’s face as you cuddle on couch watching tv. Sneak a bite of ice cream while human solves mystery of infidelity.
Mouse: bring friends.

Bedtime snack: Human: vodka shots. The human just found the chicken.

Day Five

Cat: Eat anything you like. You live outside now!!

Fly on nose